Pulse
by mugiwaragrl
Summary: "I'll return!" Remembering those words was like stabbing himself in the heart. The same heart that had once beat frantically upon merely hearing the German's voice. Yet now, his pulse, which was supposed to signal that he was still living, carried on without motivation. Angsty, dramatic (probably overly so) Ger/Ita fic. Rated M for blood (no lemon... yet)
1. Chapter 1

"Feliziano..." Lovino said sympathetically to his brother.

"Leave me alone," the younger silently replied, burying his face in the pillow.

"It's been three months... Etto... I mean, didn't you see it coming?"

"Leave, Lovino, please," Feliziano replied pleadingly.

Lovino sighed and, with one last glance at his brother, and the week-old letter on the bedside table, he exit the room. Outside, he saw Feliziano's good friend, Honda Kiku, waiting patiently beside the doorway. Apparently, he had returned from the war as soon as he received his own letter in order to comfort Feliziano.

As Lovino walked past him, he tapped his shoulder and murmured, "Your turn." Then he left.

Kiku silently entered the room to find Feliziano lying face down in his bed. Instead of saying anything, he sat on the floor beside the bed, grabbed the letter on the table, and read it for the umpteenth time:

_Dear _** FELIZIANO VARGAS **,

_We are truly sorry to inform you that _** LUDWIG BEILSCHMIDT **_ has been declared _** KILLED IN COMBAT **_._

_You have our sincerest condolences._

_Always at your service,_

_Recruits Office._

Three months before this letter, an identical one had been sent saying that Ludwig had gone missing in combat. The bluntness and false sympathy were despicable.

Of all the people that received the letter, Feliziano was by far the one who took it worst. Even Kiku himself, who was also a close friend of Ludwig, couldn't compare his grief to the Italian's. He had practically refused to do what Ludwig would've wanted him to and move on. He had just curled up in his bed during the past week. A couple days ago, Kiku even thought he saw cuts on his arms. But he managed to join the dots - there really was no other explanation, but the Japanese was the only one who saw it clearly.

Sighing, he looked up at the young man. "You..." he started softly. "You loved him, didn't you?"

Feliziano's grip on the pillow visibly tightened. He mumbled something inaudible. "Pardon me?" Kiku asked.

Feliziano slowly shifted in his bed, much to Kiku's surprise, and turned to lie on his back. He couldn't help but gasp upon seeing his friend's appearance.

His eyes, even though they were normally closed, were usually a lively ocher, and filled with joy, naivety, and optimism. His hair was usually clean and with natural luster. His thin lips were usually curved into a cheery smile.

Usually.

Now, his eyes were bloodshot and opaque, his cheeks were puffy and wet from countless tears, his hair greasy and matted, and he bit his lip to avoid crying more.

"I still do," he whispered.

Kiku gaped at him. Even after death, Feliziano was willing to devote himself to Ludwig... He couldn't help but give him a compassive hug.

Feliziano started sobbing loudly. "I-I still love him, Kiku!" he said between gasps and tears. "And I di-didn't get the chance to t-tell him!"

Kiku couldn't feel more sorry for the man.


	2. Chapter 2

Every day was torture for Feliziano. Lovino and Kiku together managed to get him back to work, but he still felt that part of his soul died along with Ludwig. He found himself thinking of him all the time, and the bittersweet memories could affect him so much that he'd just break down in tears in the middle of the office.

Ludwig... he would've wanted him to move on, Feliziano knew that. Yet, he couldn't imagine if there was any future at all without his...

..._best friend_.

That's what caused him the most remorse. Right before Ludwig left for the war, he had tried to confess his feelings. A risky move, since he didn't even know if the German liked men. But they had been interrupted by the recruits officer, and Ludwig left with the optimistic words, "Tell me when I return!"

Remembering those words was like stabbing himself in the heart. The same heart that had once beat frantically upon merely hearing the German's voice. Yet now, his pulse, which was supposed to signal that he was still living, carried on without motivation. Sometimes, the only way to ensure that he was still alive was to see it for himself.

And the knife... it was just, _there_. Regularly being used to ease the psychological pain with another kind of pain, yet proving that his blood still flowed... unlike Ludwig's.

But this sweet torture had to end. He didn't want Ludwig and him to exist in different realms, _he needed to join him..._

Another dull day at the office. Feliziano was glad there would be no more days like this after tonight. As the clock signaled seven p.m, he packed his files, straightened his tie, and checked out.

The drive home was endless. He wanted nothing more than to randomly crash his Ducati into something and finish the job once and for all.

_No_, he firmly told himself, bringing down the speed he had subconsciously been increasing. _I'm gonna do this, but I'll do it a decent way_.

Upon arriving home, he parked the motorcycle and headed straight to his room. A paper and pen were waiting on his desk since the morning, as he knew he'd use them, and he wrote a letter addressed to his brother, a letter that would explain everything.

Once it was finished, he laid it on his bed for Lovino to see when he came in. He grabbed a picture and a pocket knife from his desk drawer and stashed them in his coat. Feliziano checked that he had done all he needed to do, then he dashed to his bike and drove away into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

Lovino had received an urgent call from Kiku asking to come over to his house, which he accepted. What he didn't expect though, was the man that accompanied him. He stood still, breathless and astonished, as he saw for the first time in a year the newly scarred face of Ludwig Beilschmidt, very much alive.

"Y-you..." Lovino gasped, wide-eyed. For a few seconds he stared disbelievingly, but he didn't last long to regain composture. "E-explain yourself!" he demanded. "Feliziano's been going through hell because of you!"

The German looked guilty for a moment, then his expression turned to worry. "I... I told Kiku, he can explain. Is Feliziano home?" he asked urgently.

"Eh... I heard him go into his room a few minutes ago, but I don't know if he's still there, he usually goes out... You better talk to him and make his old self return, _imbecille!"_

"Yeah, well, I'll go check his room," he started making his way upstairs, where said room was.

Lovino watched him go, and then he turned to Japan, who didn't seem to be over the shock just yet. "Tche, aren't you gonna explain?" he said, sitting at the living room table and inviting him to do the same.

Kiku sighed and sat down. "Do you remember when he was reported MIC?"

Lovino nodded.

"Well, he _was_, for three and a half months."

"So...? That doesn't explain his 'death'."

"As it turns out, the enemy army normally disposes of its prisoners before three months, so when those months pass, the generals assume the prisoners are dead and send out these letters."

"_CHE?!_ That's nonsense-!"

"I am aware, yet we can do nothing about it. Ludwig-san managed to escape, however, and return to headquarters. After he healed, they gave him honorary leave."

"Ara... _Buono,_ Feliziano will be happy to hear about this."

Meanwhile, Ludwig made his way to his Italian friend's room. He found the door closed, and knocked on it. Since he got no response, he simply opened it and entered the room. Feliziano wasn't there. He stood in the doorway and looked around in the room. Nothing unusual - messy papers on the desk, clothes all over the place... The bed had a letter on it.

Ludwig, concerned, sat on the bed and read the letter:

_Dear Lovino,_

_If you're reading this, it means I'm most likely out of reach by now. These past weeks have been agonizing for me, as you might have noticed. This is due to a single reason; I love Ludwig. I love him, even if he's gone. Please don't judge my preference for men, and try to understand. I don't want us to be apart anymore, I've decided to join him. I will take my own life away, please don't try to stop me, since it will be too late. Tomorrow or in a few days I will be found, but only then will you know where I was, which is a place only Ludwig would've known._

_Send my greetings to Kiku and Antonio, and farewell,_

_Feliziano._

Ludwig dropped the letter as he slowly took in its contents. Feliziano loved him... but he thought he was dead, so he decided to...

..._commit suicide_.

Snatching he letter again, he sped out of the room and downstairs, then practically threw the letter to the startled Lovino and Kiku, before dashing outside. The rumble of a car engine starting was heard.

"Huh, that's weird, we came walking..." Kiku commented.

It slowly dawned on Lovino as a screech of car wheels speeding away was heard, he screamed angrily, "_OI! __IL MIO FERRARI!_"

* * *

**Translations (according to context):**  
Che?! - What?!  
Imbecille! - Asshole!  
Buono - Well  
Il mio Ferrari! - My Ferrari!


	4. Chapter 4

"Hello Ludwig." Feliziano murmured into the darkness, even though he knew he was alone. He sat down on the sand looking out at the sea, and took out the contents of his pockets. On one hand he held a very treasured picture of him and Ludwig, taken before the war, where the German was giving him a piggyback ride with a small smile.

"Remember when we took this picture?" he kept on talking, gazing longingly at the photograph. "It was right here, on this beach. We used to come here every weekend, even before we met Kiku." He sighed. "It was here that I realized that I love you."

Feliziano fidgeted with the object on his other hand, a flipping knife. "I feel like I should say some more before I go to you." He took out the blade. "But I guess there's no point in beating around the bush."

Slowly, he dragged the blade sideways across his wrist. Blood spurted out of his cut arteries at a lethal pace and drenched the sand around him.

Feliziano leaned backwards and lied down, looking up at the starry sky, while he felt the strength slowly leave his body. He held the picture close to him with his good arm, and for the first time in four months, he smiled. _Now I'll be with Ludwig._ Gradually, everything started going blurry, and the coldness started to reach him.

Suddenly, he felt strong arms lifting up his back and a familiar face looking down at him. "_Fe-Feliziano...!_" he heard him say. It was Ludwig's voice.

Was he imagining things? Was he already with him? He weakly lifted up his hand and grabbed his wrist. It was warm. It had a pulse. Ludwig was alive.

Tears formed in the corners of his eyes as he realized that they would once again be separated, only this time it was him that would die.

"Lud... wig..." he breathed with his little remaining energy. Before he left, he had to tell him. "Lud... I..."

His hand fell as his eyes went closed and his voice died away.


	5. Chapter 5

"Fe... Feliziano... No..." Ludwig mumbled, gazing upon his friend's face. "Y-You... you can't die!" He clung to his body and buried his face in Feliziano's shirt in a desperate and futile attempt to wake him up. "No... No...!" That was another thing. Over the course of the war, Ludwig had finally found out the reason why he stuck with the Italian, why he let him cook for him, why he let him into his bed when he stayed over, why he took care of him in every mess he created...

It was because he loved Feliziano. A year or so of one-sided love ended in tragedy, only to find out that it really wasn't one-sided. And he couldn't bring himself to compare it with what Feliziano felt.

Suddenly, as he hugged his idle body, he felt something. Pressing his ear to the younger's chest, he felt the thing he had hoped for. A pulse. His heart was still beating.

Filled with hope, Ludwig quickly brought out a handkerchief and tied it tightly around Feliziano's cut wrist, which would temporarily stop the bleeding. Then he lifted him bridal style, carried him to the car, and drove full speed to the nearest hospital.

By the time they arrived, the handkerchief was dripping with blood, and he desperately looked for someone to tend to Feliziano. "Somebody! He needs help!" he called out loudly.

"_S-Señor_ Ludwig?!" a vaguely familiar voice answered from the hallway. The German spun around to see the shocked face of Antonio Fernandez, Lovino's best friend, who soon caught sight of the man in his arms. "A-A-A-And Feliziano?!" he exclaimed. He quickly ordered some nurses to bring a stretcher, in which Ludwig placed Feliziano.

They took the stretcher to a nearby room, which Ludwig intended to enter, if the Spanish doctor hadn't blocked his way after Feliziano. "I-I can't let you in," he said. "E-Explain this after I'm done!" He went inside and closed the door. A second later, it opened again by a fraction, showing his softened expression. "Don't cry, I-I'll do my best." Then he really closed the door shut.

Ludwig touched his cheek and realized that it was indeed wet from tears. Wiping them away, he miserably made his way back to the empty lobby and sat down on a couch, waiting.

Antonio emerged in the lobby twenty minutes later, and Ludwig stood up expectantly.

"He's alright," the Spaniard sighed, taking a seat in front of him. "I'll call Lovino and Kiku, you can go see him. He's still unconscious, though."

That was enough for Ludwig. He strode nervously to the room he remembered Feliziano was at, and silently entered. The Italian was on a bed in the center of the room, a blood bag connected to his arm, since he had lost a lot of it. Ludwig sat down on a chair beside him, gazing longingly at his restless expression and holding his hand.

* * *

**Translations (according to context):**  
Señor - mister


	6. Chapter 6

Feliziano slowly opened his eyes to a bright light. The first thing that he noticed was that his wrist ached, which meant he was still alive. He looked sideways and realized he was in a hospital room. His eyes started stinging at the thought that he had failed, but then he felt something shift on his hand. Looking down, he saw that a blonde was holding it, and he had fallen asleep on it. The blond hair was messy, but it was similar to...

Slowly, he remembered what had happened when he cut his wrist... The blonde lifted his head and turned to look at him, and his tired expression quickly turned to disbelief. "Feliziano..." he said in astonishment.

Tears flowed down Feliziano's cheeks, not of grief, but of joy. "L-Ludwig...!" he breathed.

The older man suddenly pulled him into a gentle hug. "Don't ever do that again!" he murmured.

Feliziano was astonished by the unusual sign of affection from the German. But he still wrapped his arms around the man and buried his face in his shoulder. Suddenly, Antonio entered the room.

"_Señor_ Ludwig, the-" he cut off when he saw the scene taking place. "Feliziano! You're finally awake! Long time no see!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

"A-Antonio..." he smiled. Ludwig intended to let go, but Feliziano, to his pleasant surprise, held him close. "W-what do you mean, 'long time no see'? We saw each other yesterday..."

"Oh, right, you probably haven't realized yet," Antonio shifted awkwardly. "_Bueno_... You were in coma for a week..."

"A... A week...?" Feliziano said disbelievingly.

The doctor nodded. "Well... I'll just go call Lovino and Kiku, they'll be worried." With that, the Spaniard dashed out of the room.

Feliziano looked back at the disheveled-looking Ludwig. "You... You've been here for a whole week?" Sheepishly, the German nodded. "W-Why...?"

Ludwig gazed deeply into his eyes. "Well... I know you love me..." he started, and Feliziano blushed. "So I figured it would be a good time..." he continued nervously. "To tell you that... I love you too..."

Feliziano couldn't believe his ears. The man he had loved for so long, was saying that he loved him. Feliziano couldn't help but pull his head and lean in to catch the man's lips with his own. Ludwig closed his eyes and kissed back, pulling him closer. He didn't realize that this was what he wanted, until he received it.

Endless minutes passed in their embrace, until they were suddenly interrupted by the door slamming open and Lovino entering with Antonio and Kiku following. "_FRATELLO_! FELIZIANO! YOU'RE-!" Lovino was stopped dead by the sight, Kiku and Antonio subtly looked anywhere else, and Feliziano quickly pushed Ludwig away. Lovino pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ludwig, I know we came to an agreement, but now really isn't the time," he said irritably, much to Feliziano's surprise.

"W-What do you mean... You knew?!" Feliziano said, bewildered.

"No, you left a letter."

Feliziano blinked. "Oh, _certo._"

Lovino's expression suddenly softened, and he slightly pushed Ludwig aside to quickly hug his brother. "You friggin worried me, _stupido_," he said. "Also, why did you think I'd judge you?!"

"Uh... Etto... C-Cause you're so...um, straight?" the younger said nervously.

"Straight?! Where'd you get that from?! Haven't you realized that I've been going out with Antonio for two years?!" Lovino practically shouted, pointing at the doctor, who waved nervously.

Feliziano blinked again. "_Che_?"

"Seriously, you haven't noticed?" Lovino said, amused.

"So..." the younger exchanged glances with Ludwig and smiled. "That means... you're okay with it?"

"Tche... Well, I can't really disagree, since he saved you..."

There was a long, awkward silence afterwards, which was interrupted by Kiku clearing his throat. "Etto..." he seemed nervous. "I suppose this would be an appropriate time to confess that I am dating Heracles-san."

* * *

**Translations (according to context, correct me if i'm wrong):**  
Bueno: well (spanish)  
Fratello: brother (italian)  
Certo: right (italian)  
Stupido: stupid (italian)


End file.
